Jan Bond, Double Ou Sewe
Source: jasonhorton.tv
I have been re-watching some Bond films recently. Everyone has their favourite Bond: Pierce Brosnan has undeniable charm, Daniel Craig has the sex appeal while Sean Connery is the original Bond. As a character, he transcends generations and epitomises the spy movie genre. He has always been a British intelligence officer serving the Secret Intelligence Service, MI6. But this got me thinking about what a local Bond film would look like, with Jan Bond as our very own super agent.
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The opening scene begins with Jan Bond (aka Double Ou Sewe) driving a bakkie along a deserted road. "Somewhere in the Karoo" appears at the bottom of the screen, in that font that looks like it's being typed on a computer screen. The Izuzu bakkie is no ordinary bakkie, however. Thanks to Jan's gadget expert, Spanner, it has been custom-fitted with rocket launchers, flame throwers and a dismember button for would-be hijackers. Jan is deep under cover and dressed as a farmer: khaki shorts, that blue and grey patched together shirt you find at Pick 'n Pay clothing stores and veldskoen (no socks). Also some padding around the stomach area (bullet-proof of course).
His mission? To destroy the secret headquarters of the World Organisation of Renegade Spies (WORS). The South African government's intelligence (yes, I realise that "government intelligence" is an oxymoron) has located the organisation's base, using a network of international agents and Google maps. The organisation is operating from a sheep farm in the Karoo.
In addition to destroying WORS he must also rescue the film's Bond girl, Koekie Koekemoer (kom naby aan haar koekie en sy moer jou). Koekie disappeared after heading into the Karoo in search of WORS, desperately wanting revenge for her father Koos' murder, which was made to look like an unfortunate braaing accident involving some malfunctioning firelighters and a bottle of Klipdrift. But the bitch wasn't prepared for the high-tech security system at WORS headquarters and now finds herself chained to a windmill with vultures circling above.
Jan also carries with him some undetectable weapons inter alia braai tongs that can cut through steel and human bone, a six pack of Castles containing lethal doses of horse tranquiliser and a revolver hidden in a lamb chop. Jan will bypass the retina scan at the entrance to the WORS compound with pair of modified contact lenses from Spec-Savers.
Cut to Jan sweeping the inside of the compound, lamb chop in hand and two guards on the floor, Castle bottles lying alongside them. He proceeds to break the necks of two more guards and drowns a third in a pot of boiling tomato and onion gravy on the stove. He eventually finds the main control room and spots a limp Koekie on one of the security monitors.
Jan rushes to the windmill. Koekie is semi-conscious and looks like an overripe tomato after being in the Karoo sun for two days. He removes his Ray Bans as Koekie looks up, gasping at his beautiful eyes - uit die blou van onse hemel! He uses the braai tongs to cut through the chains in one swift movement. "Vat my, Jan!" she exclaims. "Let's get out of here, Koekie. But first...let me take a selfie." He pouts for the pic that he then shares on Instagram #BondgetsKoekie #nofilter. Then, with the press of a button on his watch, the explosives he planted around the compound detonate and the base is blown to smithereens.
"The WORS is DONE!" Jan says through clenched teeth before he and Koekie walk into the distance, hand-in-hand (fok knows where they are going because the Izuzu and the road out of there are in the opposite direction).
Cue end credits and the Bond theme song Braai Another Day performed by Bobby van Jaarsveld.
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