"Something's coming over me...my sword has a secret"
Source: alchetron.com
Like
so many children of the 80s I was a huge He-Man fan. I was glued to our TV from the minute the
rainbow font of Filmation sparkled onto the screen. I wished for the action figures for birthdays
and Christmases. Sadly my dream of
owning Castle Grayskull never came true – it was only for rich kids, so I had
to create my own castle from buckets and miscellaneous Tupperware. But I didn’t mind. I had Battle Cat! Then She-Ra came along and my obsession with
He-Man shifted to his blonde sibling. Secret of the Sword chronicles their
initial meeting and the revelation of their shared history, against the
backdrop of rebellion against the oppressive Horde.
The film starts at Castle Grayskull where a slumbering Sorceres is awoken by a sword leads her to a portal behind a door that has never been opened before. Her feathery orange, blue and white outfit must have been sponsored by the Suid Afrikaanse Lugdiens. At the Sorceres’ instruction, Prince Adam crosses the portal (along with Cringer, his scaredy-cat) into the ethereal world of Etheria. The two soon come across a local pub, and travelling through dimensions can work up a thirst and appetite. This tavern has everything: creatures with oversized ears, the evil Horde, supersized meals, defiant harp players, ginger archers with porn star moustaches…a bar fight breaks out and the Horde are humiliated by Prince Adam and Bow, the ginger gym bunny.
We are then introduced to the malevolent Hordak and his menacing squad. There is Shadow Weaver, a woman who sounds like she smokes ten packs of Chesterfield a day while her greenish skin suggests that she’s lacking a couple of vitamins. But she has a rather perky bosom. There’s Katra, who is a little heavy-handed on the blue eye-shadow and takes the “cat-eye” look to a whole new level (an aside: she has a pink lion named Clawdeen. Clawdeen!). Her bitchy friend is Scorpia (yeah, Filmation must have spent hours coming up with these names) who looks as though she’s had one facelift too many and takes eye-shadow tips from her bestie, Katra. The strangest-looking is Mantenna, who looks like he hasn’t had a decent meal in five years and has the ability to shoot lasers from his bulging eyes, no doubt the result of malnourishment.
And then there is the maniacal man himself, leader of the Horde, oppressor of the masses – Horrrr-daaaak. He doesn’t quite pull off the attempt at a Mohawk but rocks the sleeveless hoodie made of bones. Also, he could use some Oil of Olay around the eyes and a visit to the oral hygienist. Best of all, he can change into a rocket and blast away when things don’t go his way.
Bow takes Adam to meet the Rebellion, citizens who have had enough of Hordak’s shit and are fervently sharpening their pitchforks and hoes (the farming kind) to overthrow his tyrannical regime. One of the leaders of said Rebellion is Glimmer, a soft-spoken lady with a penchant for shades of lavender, who moistens at the sight of the ridiculously buff Prince Adam. We also meet “Madam Razz” who may or may not be a drag queen. She’s a scatter-brained witch who looks like she’s had a tough life dominated by diet of vodka and crack, perhaps explaining her patched-together outfit and inability to form coherent sentences.
Enter Princess Adora (at this stage she is working for the Horde, thanks to a little magic from Shadow Weaver). Adora didn’t quite nail the Farah Fawcett look and left the bleach on just two minutes longer than she should have. Girl needs some toner. She is also unaware of the power and slutty superhero hiding within – or that the Muscle Mary running around in furry underpants is actually her twin brother.
In the meantime, He-Man is captured and taken to Beast Island where he is placed in an S&M dungeon. Princess Adora smells a rat and it’s not in the dungeon. She begins to doubt that the bald dictator in the bone hoodie really has the peoples’ best interests at heart and sets out to find out the truth about the Horde.
Hordak unveils the most powerful weapon in all of the kingdoms – the Magnabeam Transporter (™) which sends anything or anyone to the Valley of the Lost (i.e. somewhere in the Eastern Cape), never to return again. But this miracle of modern technology needs the strength of mortals to power its battery so Hordak sets about creating a human power bank.
Adora gets a message on her sword: “Girl, you’ve got Sorceres Mail”. It is time for her to…lip synch for her LIFE. But first, it is time for her to find her DESTINY. This is also where Adora learns that Adam is her brother, news that is met with a very dramatic gasp. She then holds up her sword and after a shower of sparks and glitter, Adora gets the best make-over in television history, instantly adding impressive volume to her hair and simultaneously fixing the bad dye job. Her outfit becomes way more fashionable – those knee-high boots! – and starts a choker trend that would only catch on in the 90s. Also, unlike Madonna, She-Ra knows the dangers of a cape that is too long, opting for a safer shorter version instead. But that skirt is way too short; one slight breeze and the whole of Etheria can see She-Ra’s vajay-ra.
Now that He-Man and She-Ra know that they are related, they unite against the Horde (with one of the most hilarious lines in the film: “let’s cross swords”). But first they return to Eternia to meet mommy and daddy. Hordak follows them and reunites with his bro, Skeletor. After some initial fighting, with hectic homoerotic undertones and evil laughter, they agree to join forces. Alas, they are no match for the beautiful twins. “A female He-Man! This is the worst day of my life!” Skeletor laments.
In addition to the slutty outfits, glitter showers, bulging biceps, fierce villains and triumph of good over evil, the film has a very empowering message for young boys and girls (and adults for that matter), contained in its theme song: "We have the power so can you!".
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