The Shower Curtain, The Cell Phone and The Pizza Guy

A Tale of Three Unrelated Incidents

 No, that is not the title of a porn movie - sorry to disappoint my more dirty-minded readers. This is simply a tale of three unrelated incidents that made me question, not for the first time, whether I was living in a television sitcom.

The Shower Curtain

 Within a few months of moving into my apartment, I realised that I needed a new shower curtain so I turned to the source of all things pretty and affordable, amazon.com. I found this damask print curtain for a really good price so I clicked "add to basket" and waited for its arrival with much anticipation.

  Source: amazon.com

 

The curtain has served me well since then and has even elicited a few compliments from visitors. I had to find a technique to prevent water from escaping and flooding the floor, which included finding the perfect angle for the shower head and sticking the curtain to the tiles so that random streams of water could not escape. Recently, however, I noticed that the curtain needed a cleaning and the cleaning product I was using just didn't seem to be doing the trick. So I, bless my naïve little soul, thought I could wash the curtain with my weekly laundry.

I soon realised something wasn't right when I heard an unhealthy knocking sound that increased in intensity as the speed of the spin cycle increased. Anticipating an eruption of some kind I assumed the brace position behind the kitchen counter and cowered there until the spinning stopped. I then pried the curtain loose from the machine drum and draped it over the shower rod. It was then that I discovered it had been ripped in several places, like a cat or a very angry drag queen had got hold of it.

I couldn't bear to toss it in the garbage - at least not until I had a suitable replacement - so I decided to tape together the shredded parts with self-adhesive contact paper. While I was applying the strips of contact, I was thinking: what is this, an episode of Shameless? Even the Gallaghers have a nicer shower curtain with a lovely map of the world on it and no bits of tape holding it together. The funny thing is that the contact does a great job of keeping the water from spraying through the holes. Before you head to GoFundMe to help raise money for a replacement shower, one is on the way, courtesy of amazon once again:

Source: amazon.com

The Cell Phone

Source: androidpit.com

 

After my passionate (and I'd say convincing) defence of my BlackBerry, I was compelled to leave the world of BIS and its unlimited data behind me in favour of an upgrade - largely because WhatsApp will no longer be supported on BlackBerry devices by the end of this year. I am now the proud, and inexperienced, owner of a Huawei P9 Lite. I have to say that I am loving this new world of apps and swiping but it is also taking some getting used to. Bear in mind I've only ever had phones with primitive keyboards.

Autocorrect is not my friend. The other day I was typing a message to a friend in Australia and my intention was to type "Sending hugs to you in Aus" which autocorrect changed to "Sending hugs to your anus". Really so-called smart phone? Then again, perhaps anuses also get sad and need a hug now and then. In another case I wanted to share with someone that I was enjoying a "delicious little salted caramel tartlet" which became "little salted caramel starlet", which I'm pretty sure is both slightly racist and sexist.

The voice-activated Google search was another exciting new feature that I was eager to try. I pressed the little microphone and was told that Google was listening. Wonderful. Someone in my life is. I wanted to find more information on a production of Hedwig and the Angry Inch in Cape Town. So I began: "Hedwig". Edward. "HEAD-wig". Edward. "Ha-ed-wig". Edward. "Heeeeed-wig". Edward. "Forget it!" Porn GIFS.

I'm beginning to think my new phone has a kinky tendencies.

The Pizza Guy

Source: dominos.com

It's no secret, I love Domino's, although I was told I should not support the chain because the money somehow ends up in the pockets of homophobic Republicans. But, being the frugal guy I am (see the taped together shower curtain and R59 monthly BlackBerry subscription for the past three years), I'm a sucker for a good deal and free delivery. Plus I love the taste of their pizza. Anyway, it was a Friday night, it was pay day so I decided to order a simple BBQ chicken and bacon pizza for delivery.

I typically get the same delivery guy, who must be the oldest Domino's employee in the entire franchise. I sometimes feel what I think is a twinge of guilt when I see him out of breath after having climbed four flights of stairs to get to my apartment, and then I realise that it's just a pang of hunger. I'm kidding - I always tip the old guy well because he is super nice. But on this occasion, the delivery person was half the age of the usual guy, so like 40, and he did not have a very amicable attitude when I opened the door.

I only had a R100 note and he abruptly told me he'd just come on duty so he had no change. Really? So every customer must have the exact amount in cash? Or are you expecting me to say "keep the change"? I'm sorry but bad attitudes don't get generous tips. I want my change. I then offered to pay by card and he all but sighed and took out his card machine. However, my card was declined after the first swipe. He thought I was doing something wrong (you know, because those little machines are so complicated), and tried again himself. Declined. "This is why I hate cards. The whole world is using plastic but it just causes more problems".

After the third failed attempt, he picked up his delivery bag and uncooperative machine that is ruining the world and stormed out of my apartment, grumbling "I can't wait any longer. This is your lucky night." as he went. I was half-way through a "Are you sure?" when he was already flying down the four flights of stairs.

I learnt something very valuable from this experience: Domino's tastes even better when it's free.