New Kids On The Block

NKOTB: A Step by Step Guide

Source:  youtube

 I recently found a New Kids On The Block (NKOTB) greatest hits compilation on sale at Musica for R10 (basically $0.70) and, being a pop music enthusiast and child of the 80s and 90s not to mention a sucker for a good sale, I could not resist. According to the CD sleeve (one of the advantages of purchasing physical albums), the band enjoyed "massive worldwide success through the 1980s and into the early 1990s with their contemporary smooth up-beat vocal pop songs" and performed to "adoring fans worldwide before disbanding in 1994". Donnie, Jordan, Joey, Danny and Jonathan, the kids who made up the band, left their mark on the music world and on the hearts of millions of screaming fans across the world.

For New Kids fans or those who have never heard of what is arguably the first major boy band in pop music, here is a "step by step" guide to their greatest hits.

Step by Step

Their methodical approach to getting the girl that they really want in their world. It's as easy as 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 thereby ensuring that each New Kid has a line to offer.
"Girl" count: 17

You Got It

A catchy and funky synthesiser-backed song about another girl that made their dreams come true because she "got the right stuff".
"Girl" count: 4

I'll Be Loving You

A cheesy love song featuring a ridiculously high falsetto that makes you wonder if Barry Gibb made a guest appearance on the song. This is the stuff that awkward high school slow dances - arms outstretched, holding onto each other's shoulders, rotating in one spot - were made of.
"Girl" count: 3

Cover Girl

There not necessarily any bass in this cover girl's walk but plenty of it in the song. Electric guitars and even more synths back the boys as they celebrate the physical perfection of yet another girl.
"Girl" count: 14

Didn't I (Blow Your Mind This Time)

The intro and repetitive melody sounds a little like a primary school child tentatively learning to play the keyboard. The New Kids seem to be stroking their egos by trying to convince themselves that they blew this particular girl's mind (this time). The spoken lyrics are cringe-worthy but were probably a real turn-on for millions of girls (and some boys) in the 90s. The creepy Barry Gibb falsetto also pops up throughout the song.
"Girl" count: 4

Please Don't Go Girl

A lacklustre ballad that begs a girl to stay, characterised by a confusing arrangement, weak lyrics that tick every clichéd box ("you're my best friend", "I will always love you", "I just can't live without you", etc. etc. etc.), and guest vocals from what could be the primary school child who was playing the keyboard on the previous track. Truly awful and impossible to listen to.
"Girl" count: 21

Tonight

One of the group's most famous and enjoyable songs, starting with a Spanish guitar, then a melody with some more beginner keyboard and strings, building to a bouncy chorus and "la la la la la la" refrain that challenges you not to sing along. 90s pop at its best.
"Girl" count: 8

This One's For the Children

The title of this song alone is enough to induce serious eye-rolling and mild nausea, like any song that is for, about or by children (this song happens to hit all three, with a children's clapping choir appearing mid-way through). When it starts with an earnest "this is a very serious message, so all of you please listen", it can only go downhill from there. Sorry kids. Skip.
"Girl" count: 0 (it would be a little disturbing if "girl" did feature in a song about God's children)

Valentine Girl

This must have been a winning Valentine's Day song back in the day that probably induced some swooning and some loss of virginities. Unfortunately, like some of the band members, the song has not aged well and gives me a sensation akin to brain freeze when I hear it.
"Girl" count: 10

Let's Try It Again

The title of this track filled me with a little optimism and I thought, yes New Kids, let's try another love song. But when the song started I realised that it would be much like the previous song but marginally more bearable, particularly when the chorus arrives. Lacklustre crooning about true love.
"Girl" count: 0

Hangin' Tough

The funk is back in a big way on this hit track that has a We Will Rock You kind of vibe. The boys attempt to establish how rough and tough they are but also mention a New Kids dance. Was there a New Kids dance?
"Girl" count: 0

If You Go Away

A generic 80s ballad template seems to have been used on this song, with more cheesy lyrics, including hearts broken in two and promises of the world, and an unhealthy dose of boy band falsetto.
"Girl" count: 9

Baby, I Believe You

The boys reaffirm their belief in their girl and their relationship. An unforgettable song, featuring an annoying saxophone solo, that didn't really need to be included on a greatest hits compilation.
"Girl" count: 3

Call It What You Want

A groovy C&C Pump-It mix of the song that rounds off the greatest hits collection with some classic 90s dance beats and a little New Kids rap thrown in for good measure.
"Girl" count: 10

A few things you didn't know about New Kids On The Block, courtesy of Buzzfeed:

The band's original name was going to be Nynuk, the name of the dog in the film The Lost Boys.

Mark Wahlberg quit the band before they recorded their first album and was replaced by Joey McIntyre, who was 12 when he joined the band.

Their name comes from one of Donnie's rap songs.

Jonathan and Tiffany (of I Think We're Alone Now fame) were an item but kept their relationship a secret for the sake of fans.

In 1991 the band was at the top of the Forbes' list of highest paid entertainers, above Madonna, Prince and Michael Jackson.