Jan Bond, Double Ou Sewe is Back!
Source: jasonhorton.tv
The
film opens with a bird’s eye view of the Paarl winelands. “Somewhere on the outskirts of Paarl” appears
on the screen in that font that looks like it is being typed on a DOS computer
from the early 90s. The shot cuts to a
small cottage with a thatched roof and a couple of chickens running around
it. Inside, on an old leather couch, is
Bond, Jan Bond – a shell of his former self.
It
has been a year since Koekie Koekemoer, Bond’s former lover, left him for an NG
Kerk dominee with a cheap toupee and a stomach that looked like the bonnet of a
Volksie. Since then Bond has been living
as a recluse on a wine farm outside of Paarl, spending his days watching Agter Elke Man re-runs and drowning his
sorrows in Paarl Perle. He has a long
unkempt beard and since he rarely leaves the small cottage he calls home, his
skin is pale while the site of his former six-pack now resembles a wobbly milk
tart. He once ventured to the local Spar
and gave Santie van der Spuy – who is 90 in the shade – a heart attack because she
thought Bond was the ghost of her deceased husband, Willie. A wide-eyed Santie reached a liver-speckled
hand out to Bond before collapsing into a display of Koo baked beans.
Meanwhile,
the bastard son of former WORS mastermind Jak, is working as a panel beater in
Parow. Jock, named after his mother’s
favourite film character, Jock of the
Bushveld, is a lanky man with a shiny mullet and a tattoo of a flaming
springbok skull on his right arm. His
diet consists of pepper steak pies, Red Bull and Rothmans, which might explain
why his teeth look like the dilapidated tombstones of a cemetery. His mother, Doreen, had a brief but
passionate affair with Jak but he was killed in the compound explosion before
Jock was born. To save her son the
heartache of knowing that his father had been a criminal mastermind who had
been blown to bits, she had told him that his father was Afrikaans playboy,
Steve Hofmeyr. Jock has written
countless letters to his Papa but has never had one answered. Jock still sheds a tear when he hears Pampoen.
Doreen
works as a beautician at a local salon in Bellville, sandwiched between an
Ackermans and an Adult World. She is
hideously disfigured in an unfortunate accident involving acetone and a curling
iron, leaving her left side looking like an overdone lasagne. Thinking she might be on death’s door, she
tells her son the truth about his father.
“It’s…not…Steve,” she manages to mumble through her half-lips. And so, after learning the truth about his
father’s WORS, Jock zips up his overalls, shakes a clenched fist at the sky and
says, “Jy gaan kak, Bond.”
On
the screen: Six months later (in the same computer font)
Gadget
genius and Bond's former colleague, Spanner, finally tracks Bond down and
informs him that intelligence reports have revealed that Jock has reassembled
the WORS networks, creating WORS 2.0 to continue the work that his father
started. Undercover agents have reported
that he will be meeting with infamous spy and explosives expert, Moessiegalore, at
this weekend’s church bazaar on Main Street in Paarl – a highlight on the
winelands calendar. After much pacing up
and down, a flashback sequence and a shot of Mainstay, Bond agrees to put a
stop to Jock. Spanner presents Bond with
a few gadgets for the mission that will blend in at the bazaar, including
grenades disguised as koeksisters, bed socks with propulsion jets and jaffles
containing heat-seeking missiles.
Cut
to the bustling church bazaar. The
boeremusiek is crying and the boerewors is sizzling. Bond scans the crowd for signs of Jock and
his agent. His eyes come to rest on the
pancake stand which is manned by a string bean of a man with a Blou Bul cap
pulled over his eyes. A lady with a maroon coiffure wearing a crimplene dress
and ugly shoes approaches. Even from a
distance, Bond can see that her face is sprinkled with hundreds of moles, like
tiny chocolate chips on a spongy muffin.
Moessiegalore! Bond runs toward
the pancake stand, gun aimed at the two criminals. Moessiegalore and Jock make
a run for it and a chase ensues: tannies scream, men grab their beers while
marmalade and tea cosies fly in all directions.
Bond uses one of the heat-seeking jaffles which successfully connects
with Moessiegalore, leaving nothing but a maroon wig, a string of pearls and a
smoking hole in the ground. Jock manages
to get away in a Ford Cortina.
Bond,
in his new Izuzu, chases the Cortina down the N1 and onto a massive wine estate
by the name of Vinefall Jock shoots at
one of Bond’s tires, causing the Izuzu to swerve and roll, coming to a stop at
the edge of an abandoned quarry. Jock
gets out of the car, gun aimed at Bond who has managed to crawl out of the
overturned bakkie. “We finally meet,
Bond,” Jock says before spitting onto the ground. “I have dreamed of this moment since I found
out about what you did. This is for my
pa!” he yells. A split second before
Jock’s oil encrusted finger pulls the trigger Bond tosses a koeksister at
Jock’s feet. The explosion throws him
into the air and his body tumbles down into the quarry.
Bond
limps to the edge, looks at what is left of Jock below as the theme song From Paarl With Love (performed by
Theuns Jordaan) plays and the end credits begin.
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